Counting the Apples

2011-05-28T15:54:00.004-05:00

I am looking forward to
Seeing the road stretch out in front of me
A new sort of wilderness on either side
Opportunity

looking forward to
Watching water fall
Roaring, mist hovering
Strength

looking forward to
Breakfast and late nights
Remembering the world is big
Enough

February

2011-02-24T11:38:00.000-06:00

"And I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year: Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown. And he replied: Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God. That shall be to you better than light, and safer than a known way." Minnie L. Haskins

The Invitation

2011-02-05T08:16:00.002-06:00

The Invitation by Oriah

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon...
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

from the book The Invitation

And counting . . .

2011-02-03T15:59:00.000-06:00

Olafur Arnalds tour date! Six days 'til Istanbul.

Confidence

2011-01-04T06:20:00.000-06:00

"Once you accept the fact that you're not perfect, then you develop some confidence." - Rosalynn Carter

Choices

2010-12-30T11:00:00.001-06:00

‎"There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them." ~Denis Waitley

Redemption

2010-12-15T21:56:00.001-06:00

A good daddy

Fixes the whole world

For one person.

What more could we hope to do?

Defining

2010-12-10T07:53:00.000-06:00

"If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive." - Audre Lorde

2010-12-03T13:31:00.002-06:00

Loneliness is dull and gray

Except for when it's bright and hot.

And tears burn cheeks

'Til angry furrows form.

And loneliness meets anger,

And sadness feels left out.

Fall

2010-11-22T20:22:00.000-06:00

We know time isn't linear, I say it doubles back on itself in the autumn. This time of year our past and future are closer to us than any other season, I'm sure of it. It doesn't help to ignore this fact.

2010-11-10T13:24:00.001-06:00

"When I look at ugliness, I see beauty. When I am far from home, I see old
friends. When there is noise, I hear a robin's song instead. When I am
in a crowd, it is the mountain's peace I feel. In the winter of my
sorrow, I remember the summer of my joy.
In the nighttime of my loneliness, I breathe the day of my thanksgiving. But when the sadness spreads its blanket and that is what I see, I take my eyes to some high place until I find a reflection of what lies deep inside of me."-- Navajo saying

Feed Thy Soul

2010-11-09T06:02:00.001-06:00

If of thy mortal goods thou art bereft,
And from thy slender store two loaves alone to thee are left,
Sell one, and with the dole
Buy hyacinths to feed thy soul.

Moslih Eddin Saadi

4.5

2010-11-02T08:01:00.005-05:00

4.5 to watch you blossom

Exploding in vivid color like a bird of paradise bloom.

4.5 from way too tiny to oh, so tall

4.5 to see you change from needing to giving

Taking all I have and more but giving me . . . giving more.

4.5 of big failures and big successes

4.5 of doing days together

Thinking of all that number holds, 4.5, delightful child.

Berlin

2010-11-02T07:21:00.003-05:00

Dry leaves on cobbled stones

Swishing, loudly. Make these moments louder.

Solid German moments

Flitting music that wakes you

Rather than putting you to sleep.

Tausend Dank, Berlin. A thousand thanks.

Kurt Vonnegut's MIT Graduation Speech

2010-10-26T06:33:00.003-05:00

In actuality written by Mary Schmich and first appearing in the Chicago Tribune

"If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it.
Wear sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.
Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing every day that scares you.
Sing.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss.
Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.
Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.
Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.
Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.
Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.
Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.
Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.
Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen."

Set & Fresh Giveaway

2010-10-25T15:35:00.012-05:00

I don't know how such things are determined, but if it was by mere chance that I (your friendly local crazy person with two dogs, two turtles and a bird) was chosen to try Febreze Set & Refresh in my home and write a review . . . Well let's just say Febreze should have played the lottery that day.

But that test wasn't enough for me. I, dear reader, am willing to go much farther than that to give you an excellent review. In fact, I went to Arizona. Ok, going to Arizona actually had nothing to do with the Set & Fresh review, but it is very important for one reason. While we were away our house/pet sitter encountered some health problems and was unable to check in on the dogs quite as often as was needed. Without getting too graphic I hope you understand the particularly challenging set of circumstances surrounding my setting up my first Febreze Set & Refresh air freshener.

I received two air fresheners to review, one with the linen & sky scented refill and one with the pretty in pink thai dragon fruit refill. The packaging states that each is appropriate for a small to medium sized room. I placed the linen & sky freshener on my file cabinet in our main living room, a room I would not characterize as large but not huge. The pink thai dragon fruit freshener went in the master bedroom.

How did they perform? A month later I can tell you that I am basically very pleased. The linen & sky scent is quite subtle, perfect for me as I despise the smell of most air fresheners. To me they smell like chemicals, and this was the closest I believe I could get to a non-scented air freshener with just a bit of scent that smelled, well . . . fresh! The reusable units are adjustable, simply open them more to release more air freshing power. In the larger living area I had the linen & sky freshener opened fully, and was pleasantly surprised to find that it could manage the unpleasant odors in that bigger space quite well.

In the bedroom, a medium sized room, I found the thai dragon fruit scent overwhelming at full strength. It was a very easy adjustment to close the unit a bit, and the freshener was still able to manage the smell of big warm sleeping dogs without being overpowering. I was very happy to find the thai dragon fruit scent not too "fruity" or sweet with just a little hint of citrus that made me happy. In both rooms I was able to place the Febreze Set & Refresh unit exactly where I wanted to put, where I thought it would be most effective and most needed. Not being tied to a wall outlet but still not needing batteries made me a convert!

Most importantly, the Febreze Set & Refresh kept working! A month later I am beginning to think it is time to replace the refill cartridges (your purchase of one reusable unit will come with two of those) and in my house that might just be a record. I'm even willing to try the other scents with is brave new land for me!

Want to try them with me? As I mentioned, I am moving many of my family/home/learning links over to my new blog and keeping my own writings here where they can be separate from my more family oriented page. This is the only time I will be cross-posting on both pages. I have two $5 Walmart gift cards to give away thanks to Febreze Set & Fresh so that two of you lovely people can try a "fresh take on freshness" too. Comment here for one chance and over athttp://seethethingswedo.blogspot.com/ for another! Of course you are also welcome to take your card and buy yourself a deli sub sandwich at Walmart. But it won't make your house smell so good.

Take a look at the scents below and let me know which one you want to try first!

please note: samples and prize pack were provided by P&G through MyBlogSpark

To You

2010-10-12T05:42:00.002-05:00

My apologies to anyone who reads here. My blogish stuff was getting confused and cluttered as I tried to find a place to save and file some information that was important to me amongst the things I just write. The split personality that resulted annoyed and frustrated me. So! I am splitting things up a bit, and the process will take a while. Eventually I hope to only have here my writings and musings and things that inspire me to write and muse. Stick around, and hopefully I will begin to make sense of it all again. Thanks for your patience!

Night's Thoughts

2010-08-31T23:46:00.003-05:00

Wine (take it literally or symbolically)

Tastes like forgiveness

deep, deep and as red as can be.

Night comes, and I drink deeply

washing away the bitterness and hot dust of the day.

I taste forgiveness washing over my tongue, filling my mouth,

I swallow, and let go.

And other times I sip

Not ready to give it all up at once

but slowly letting the crescendo build.

Crescendo of forgiveness, silent night

Sweet, sweet wine.

Truth

2010-08-16T20:47:00.000-05:00

"I missed you. Aren't you glad I missed you? That means love!"

2010-08-14T00:46:00.001-05:00

2010-08-14T00:40:00.002-05:00

2010-08-14T00:30:00.002-05:00

Reason to Write

2010-08-03T15:14:00.000-05:00

http://www.drslewis.org/camille/2010/07/writing-the-body/

From the Draft Folder

2010-08-02T13:50:00.006-05:00

This one has set in the draft folder since 5 November 2009. I think that's plenty long enough, so here it is in honor of World Breastfeeding Week 2010.

Don't Want to Forget

I don't ever want to forget

That she called them Waa, and then MommaWaa, and then Yummies, and finally the were her Yums.

That she named them Jack and Jill, and she loved them.

That when I laid her down, the imprint of her ear would be pressed into my arm just below my elbow and I always wanted to be brave enough to get it tattooed there.

Her sleep eating.

How angry I felt sometimes, and how I had to learn to listen to what both our bodies needed.

How I thought it would never end and then it did.

Published at http://theleakyboob.com/2010/08/dont-ever-want-to-forget/.

Thankful

2010-08-02T12:37:00.004-05:00

When I look back at the end I will be so glad

That this sorrow accompanied me

That I hurt this badly,

That I longed and missed

Thankful that I felt so deeply.

Harvest Finally

2010-07-27T12:55:00.002-05:00

2010-07-26T10:43:00.005-05:00

You throw her in the air

And for a moment she is not yours --

That moment when you are ready to catch her,

but she isn't falling. . .

Air between your hands and her

Laughing,

How do you let her go?

Castle Shadows

2010-07-22T22:28:00.002-05:00

Posed

2010-07-22T14:17:00.004-05:00

Drawn In

2010-07-21T22:36:00.003-05:00

Up

2010-07-21T20:25:00.002-05:00

Fascinating!

2010-07-19T22:51:00.001-05:00

The Brain by Olson Kundig, 2002

Depression

2010-07-19T17:08:00.002-05:00

There was a moment when I could feel my feel my skin again,

When I knew things would be ok.

Before that, I didn't realize I had gone numb.

Tap Shoes

2010-07-17T18:41:00.002-05:00

18 July 2010

Linking It

2010-07-15T13:13:00.004-05:00

"Once thought by scientists to exist only in legends, rogue waves are now known to be a natural ocean phenomenon."

Really? You were able to prove that all on your own? Able to prove that sometimes something rises up out nowhere, comes from nothing, and knocks over even the ocean liner? There is no accounting for it. I, I would choose to stay on dry land. Far from tsunamis, but also far from the small, and sometimes more dangerous, rogue waves. But I can't. My home is the sea. I am aquatic. I think I am an octopus. So many looks, so many legs. Congrats, scientists, on your proof.

Wildness II

2010-07-15T12:05:00.002-05:00

15 July 2010

Wildness

2010-07-15T11:51:00.003-05:00

15 July 2010

2010-07-15T07:51:00.001-05:00

I write like
Stephen King

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

Creative

2010-07-14T17:54:00.002-05:00

14 July 2010

A Must Watch

2010-07-14T10:01:00.000-05:00

http://www.theatlantic.com/culture/archive/2010/07/a-holocaust-survivor-dances-at-auschwitz/59557/

Someday we will dance where only atrocity and pain lives now.

Modeling vs Punishment

2010-07-13T10:09:00.000-05:00

http://mamapoekie.blogspot.com/2010/07/model-dont-punish.html

Cruisin'

2010-07-11T12:19:00.003-05:00

11 July 2010

This Post

2010-07-10T20:27:00.002-05:00

This Post was supposed to say:

"With any luck I have just learned how to post pictures and new blogs from my mobile phone. So now I shall perhaps have more pictures, and, possibly, a return to the fabled Project 365. I shall wait quietly while the anticipation subsides. :)"

Unfortunately, I had varied luck. I can post pictures (yay!) but my blogs turn into gobbledygook (boo!). So expect this blog to consist of more pictures and not as much writing, you who do not exist.

Mini

2010-07-10T20:11:00.003-05:00

10 July 2010

2010-07-09T20:26:00.000-05:00

Nap Time

2010-07-09T19:56:00.000-05:00

I put you down for your nap today

Knowing in a few hours you would be awake again

"Knowing" -- what a precious word.

2010-07-07T08:40:00.001-05:00

I'm convinced there is only so much heartbreak a week can hold before the edges get all stretched out and that week never quite lines up correctly with the other ones ever again.

2010-07-07T00:07:00.006-05:00

We pretend it doesn't

But it happens

Sometimes you lie them down and they don't wake up

(tiny tiny baby, broken mama, retching grief)

All we have is tonight

And tonight not even guaranteed

This is all I've got.

So we stay up 'til Midnight

Eat potstickers in the basement, Try!

Still . . . Not enough pictures, not enough laughs

To make handles for holding on.

Deep anguished screams inside that I can't let out.

For fear (or maybe certainty)

They would rip the onion paper to pieces.

Quotes from Eat, Pray, Love

2010-07-02T14:59:00.005-05:00

All quotes are from Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. Page notations are simply to help me find the context again.

". . . when you sense a faint potentiality for happiness after such dark times you must grab onto the ankles of that happiness and not let go until it drags you face-first out of the dirt -- that is not selfishness, but obligation. You were given life; it is your duty (and also your entitlement as a human being) to find something beautiful within life, not matter how slight."

"Before you realize this truth, say the Yogis, you will always be in despair, a notion nicely expressed in this exasperated line from the Greek stoic philosopher Epictetus: 'You bear God within you, poor wretch, and you know it not.'"

"'Our whole business therefore in this life,' wrote Saint Augustine, rather yogically, 'is to restore to health the eye of the heart whereby God may be seen.'"

". . . you should never give yourself a chance to fall apart because, when you do, it becomes a tendency and it happens over and over again."

"'I've already given it twelve months, Richard.'
'Then give it six more. Just keep throwin' six months at it till it goes away. Stuff like this takes time.'"

"'Someday you're gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You'll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing and you were in the best possible place for it -- in a beautiful place of worship, surrounded by grace. Take this time, every minute of it. Let things work themselves out . . . '"

"'People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you , and then they leave. And thank God for it.'"

"'See, now that's your problem. You're wishin' too much, baby. You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughtta be.'"

"'. . . nothing pisses off a control freak more than life not goin' her way.'"

"Life, if you keep chasing it so hard, will drive you to death. Time -- when pursued like a bandit -- will behave like one; always remaining one county or one room ahead of you, changing its name and hair color to elude you, slipping out the back door of the motel just as you're banging through the lobby with your newest search warrant, leaving only a burning cigarette in the ashtray to taunt you."

"Letting go, of course, is a scary enterprise for those of us who believe that the world revolves only because it has a handle on the top of it which we personally turn, and that if we were to drop this handle for even a moment, well -- that would be the end of the universe."

"'There are only two questions that human beings have ever fought over, all through history. How much do you love me? and Who's in charge?' Everything else is somehow manageable."

"God isn't interested in watching you enact some performance of personality in order to comply with some crackpot notion you have about how a spiritual person looks or behaves."

". . . people universally tend to think that happiness is a stroke of luck, something that will maybe descend upon you like fine weather if you're fortunate enough. But that's not how happiness works. Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it, you must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it. If you don't, you will leak away your innate contentment."

"The karmic philosophy appeals to me on a metaphorical level because eve in one lifetime it's obvious how often we must repeat our same mistakes, banging our heads agains the same old addictions and compulsions, generating the same old miserable and often catastrophic consequences, until we can finally stop and fix it. This is the supreme lesson of karma (and also Western psychology, by the way) -- take care of the problems now, or else you'll just have to suffer again later when you screw everything up the next time. "

"'I know cure from broken heart.'. . . 'Vitamin E, get much sleep, drink much water, travel to a place far away from the person you loved, meditate and teach your hear that this is destiny.'"

'"So what can we do about the craziness of the world?" "Nothing." Ketut laughed, but with a dose of kindness. "This is nature of world. This is destiny. Worry about your craziness only -- make you in peace."'

"I watched them, thinking that little girls who make their mothers live grow up to be such powerful women."

"'It's still two human beings trying to get along, so it's going to become complicated. And love is always complicated. But still humans must try to love each other, darling. We must get our hearts broken sometimes. This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried something.'"

"'To lose balance sometimes in love is part of living a balanced life.'"

"Naked in the morning sun, with nothing but a light blanket wrapped over my shoulders, I disappear in grace, hovering over the void like a tiny seashell balanced on a teaspoon."

"In the end, though, maybe we must all give up trying to pay back the people in this world who sustain our lives. In the end, maybe it's wiser to surrender before the miraculous scope of human generosity and to just keep saying thank you, forever and sincerely, for as long as we have voices."

2010-07-01T19:50:00.002-05:00

"There is no greater commandment than this: Love your neighbor as yourself."

Love

2010-07-01T19:44:00.004-05:00

They will say I did it out of animosity, they will say I am full of hate. They will say it was greed, or self-absorption, or immaturity. They will say I did it for gain. I tell you this, if I loved any less I would never say a word.

Brave Girl

2010-07-01T13:28:00.006-05:00

Brave girl, sit down.

Root yourself deep in the concrete under your legs for just a minute

While you float like a cloud unable to be touched,

able to leave at any moment.

Brave girl, cry.

You aren't alone now.

While no one is here it's ok to cry.

I'll wait until you are finished, 'til you have to be strong again.

Brave girl, I can't reach to you,

But you knew I was there, and I know you will make it.

Someday there would be sunflowers, and a garden, and kindness, and a fence . . .

Someday you will be safe.

You heard me telling you so, and you were so brave.

Brave enough for both of us.

Brave enough that I can do it again.

2010-06-26T14:56:00.003-05:00

It is really difficult when other people think it is difficult and then it ends up not being difficult at all. Because it is really difficult for me, and that's hard.

It isn't supposed to make sense, I just had to write it. Somethings really hurt. And the funny thing about pain is that it doesn't make one bit of difference whether you want to hurt or to just be happy. The hurt just is.

You and Me

2010-06-25T21:22:00.007-05:00

When you said that

I wondered why you were still living our life

And a week later realized it was first your life and then life we lived together.

So it goes. Just now I realized,

That I've forgotten what was you and what was me.

So I guess that was me and that was you, and we, and us, and other complicated subjects . . .

And now you go on while I go on,

And neither one could ever find themselves alone again.

And you know what? I'm good with that.

The Bucket List (for lack of a more original title as I do not like that one)

2010-06-21T19:28:00.005-05:00

1. ~~Complete a 5K~~ July 3,2010

2. Complete a 10K

3. Complete a marathon

5. Learn to swim laps

6. Complete a triathlon (I hear there are some small ones available!)

7. Bicycle the Trans-America Trail or hike the Appalachian (or some trail that takes about 3 months total) with my daughter

8. Become a midwife

2010-06-19T12:31:00.002-05:00

http://www.mrfs.net/trips/1997/Canadian_Rockies/Jasper/Jasper.html

Negative

2010-06-19T11:54:00.004-05:00

I think the lack of possibility is the greatest heartbreak. Facing an emptiness with no hope.

In a minute I will remember all the good, all the happiness, and all the reason. I will be ok. But right now, I just need to be sad. I am deeply sad.

Blackbird Summer

2010-06-13T19:12:00.001-05:00

(http://natashasartcandy.com/2008/09/06/blackbird-summer/)

Summer Writing

2010-06-13T19:02:00.003-05:00

Summer is here, no more excuses. I need to be writing every day. Every stinking single day. Ugh. I don't know that the writing itself is worth it, but supposedly the discipline is. I'm not sure exactly what the interplay is between discipline and creativity, but I need some!

Also, this blog needs more pictures, lots more pictures! Which means I will have to log onto Big occasionally. I am thoroughly in love with and entirely comfortable with Mini. So we'll have to work on figuring out that.

2010-06-05T13:57:00.003-05:00

If no one is going to let me skip right to maturity and the perspective and wisdom I long for, which I have found only comes with age, then I am going to embrace youth and the dogged ability to tackle foolish projects and accomplish things only because I have not yet gained the sense to know that they're impossible.

2010-06-02T19:40:00.000-05:00

In the end, simple is the best by far.

More Musings on Redemption. And also Tomatoes.

2010-06-02T19:25:00.003-05:00

In a previous life we were asked, "Why doesn't God immediately take believers to heaven when they are "saved"." And the expected and given answer was that we were here to get other people saved. But that's not our job, is it?

I think we're here to plant tomatoes. It's all written out there, just read it. God knew how broken this world was. He even knew how "broken-er" it was going to get. The little acts of redemption - Learn to do good. Seek Justice. Help the oppressed. Defend the cause of orphans. Fight for the rights of widows. Plant tomatoes. Pointing to Redemption.

It's not the "Social gospel". It's just the Gospel.

2010-05-24T12:27:00.001-05:00

"You know the last time you tried? You really, really tried, but it still didn't turn out quite right? Well, God's got that one stuck up on His refrigerator. 'Cause He thought it was amazing."

Friend

2010-05-24T12:19:00.002-05:00

Like the breeze

Finally!

On the first stifling days of hotness

The whisper, leaves of cottonwood

And out of nowhere

Seeing nothing at all

You fanned my face

With love

Cooled me.

I am blessed with friends.

Alone

2010-05-23T12:17:00.001-05:00

When the time comes

When it brushes against you in the dark

Or smacks you in the face in bright sunshine

Or sneaks in along with silly posturing from obscure people.

When it comes

You are alone again.

Somehow that manages to shock me every time --

The sheer aloneness.

Just Today

2010-05-17T13:00:00.003-05:00

Today I will water my garden

And water my soul

Today I shall eat homemade bread

And feed my heart

Today I will skim the cream from the milk

And skim away burdens I don't need to carry

Today I will bake with a girl in a princess dress

And make connections more necessary than flour

Today I will breathe

And when tomorrow comes, it will find me more whole

Instead of less.

Unknown

2010-05-16T13:41:00.000-05:00

“It doesn't matter where we come from, what we've done or suffered, or even if we make a difference. We live as though the world were as it should be, to show it what it can be.”

Friday Is For Wine

2010-05-14T20:38:00.001-05:00

Friday is for wine

And laughter

Pizza and little blonde braids

And, if you're lucky, four new cabbage plants sitting plumply just above the straw.

Friday is for wine.

Bertie

2010-05-12T12:07:00.001-05:00

(Kate Bush)

Here comes the sunshine
Here comes that son of mine
Here comes the everything
Here's a song and a song for him

Sweet kisses
Three wishes
Lovely Bertie

The most wilful
The most beautiful
The most truly fantastic smile
I've ever seen

Sweet kisses
Three wishes
Lovely Bertie

You bring me so much joy
And then you bring me
More joy

No Weed Killer Here

2010-05-05T12:05:00.006-05:00

It has taken me awhile, but I am beginning to realize that choosing to not use poisons means that my garden will have more weeds. It just will. But the long term benefits are more than worth the obvious fact that my strawberry patch has weeds to pull. The same is true with my daughter.

Holding Still

2010-05-04T21:22:00.006-05:00

Three days now

The promise of rain; the wind, the smell, and most, the waiting

Still nothing.

Dry ground, heaving humid stillness --

My heart waits too.

Crescendo with no climax, anticipation with no release,

Heavier and heavier.

I wait too

Craving, craving redemption.

2010-04-25T23:20:00.002-05:00

Can't write tonight. Uck! I show one person the blog and suddenly I cannot write anymore. Unbelievable. Someone. Might. Read. It! A way around this roadblock . . . Perhaps I will try a sneak attack. But tomorrow.

Unbelievable!

Earth Day

2010-04-22T18:17:00.004-05:00

"Everything in nature has a trademark, God's trademark: the stripes on a shell and the stripes on a zebra; the grain of the wood and the veins of the dry leaf; the markings on the dragonfly's wings and the pattern of stars on a photographic plate; the panther's coat and the epidermal cells of the lily petal; the structure of atoms and galaxies. All bear God's fingerprints." --Ernesto Cardenal, Abide In Love

"My God, what a world. There is no accounting for one second of it." -- Annie Dillard

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

2010-04-18T12:27:00.001-05:00

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to throw away;

A time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.

Because I Cannot Lose These Links

2010-04-06T11:57:00.003-05:00

Ruth Stout's Garden

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

2010-04-04T20:39:00.002-05:00

So we go out and fix the broken things that we can fix, try to make ugly things beautiful again, waiting for the day when He comes and fixes every broken thing and makes it all beautiful again.

Sounds Like Home to Me

2010-04-02T19:39:00.002-05:00

http://www.sarahkelly.com/music.php?song=25

Less

2010-03-29T19:53:00.004-05:00

Weakness

Where I need strength

Exhaustion

Slipped into every crack I needed it to miss

Buckling

Where I needed something to hold me up

Have to push, have to try, have to rest

Have to be

Left with quiet, quiet tears

The angry all melted away with exhaustion's deep gray sunrise

2010-03-28T15:18:00.001-05:00

Nothing makes more sense than an off-side ponytail on a little girl.

Lie Down

2010-03-23T22:24:00.003-05:00

If I go to bed

and am still

The Day will catch up with me.

Perhaps that is why it is called lying

when you stop walking faster than the whispers following you.

The lies I showed others, the lies they showed me; mostly the lies I told myself

Surround me when I am still.

Funny Thing

2010-03-22T11:29:00.001-05:00

Funny thing that I'm the only one left to deal with this, the aftermath.

Funny that you who remind me to pray don't feel the terror.

Call him today and ask him how his Monday is

His Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday

How are his weekends?

How are yours?

Funny that I am alone again

You call me bitter, and I don't flinch anymore

You who have gotten over it, you who have moved past

The event. To you it happened, to me it is happening.

I am not bitter, I am alive. And today I am alone.

So go on about your day, please don't pretend to understand now, now when I can't begin to understand you.

Funny thing.

When Death Comes

2010-03-20T13:50:00.001-05:00

When Death Comes

When death comes
like the hungry bear in autumn
when death comes and takes all the bright coins from his purse

to buy me, and snaps his purse shut;
when death comes
like the measle-pox;

when death comes
like an iceberg between the shoulder blades,

I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering;
what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness?

And therefore I look upon everything
as a brotherhood and a sisterhood,
and I look upon time as no more than an idea,
and I consider eternity as another possibility,

and I think of each life as a flower, as common
as a field daisy, and as singular,

and each name a comfortable music in the mouth
tending as all music does, toward silence,

and each body a lion of courage, and something
precious to the earth.

When it's over, I want to say: all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was a bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

When it's over, I don't want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.
I don't want to find myself sighing and frightened
or full of argument.

I don't want to end up simply having visited this world.

~ Mary Oliver ~

(New and Selected Poems, Volume I)

copied from http://www.panhala.net/Archive/When_Death_Comes.html

That is what I want my tombstone to say!

"When it's over, I want to say: all my life

I was a bride married to amazement.
I was a bridegroom, taking the world into my arms."

2010-03-12T18:18:00.002-06:00

Girl in green goggles

Red umbrella

Pink boots

Puts back the color which grayly bled away

Hard Stuff

2010-03-11T11:20:00.001-06:00

All the truly important things in life are worth doing 'the hard way'. Sometimes shortcuts aren't truly easier; they skip, in fear of the pain, far too much of the joy.

Thaw

2010-03-08T20:28:00.004-06:00

In the heavy, heavy fog not a single farm animal greets the morning. Deep cloud meets deep snow, the only snow still standing. This is not spring, not yet. But we all wait together.

Hush. Wait. Wait . . .

2010-03-07T20:26:00.000-06:00

Sunday Writes

2010-03-07T20:20:00.005-06:00

of wine and steamships. Of gears and clocks and skeleton keys. Vegetables singing, appointments to be made which beg to be avoided. Girl in wild, wild curls. Words on walls. Dreams and cluttered realities that make up life. Time on Wings. Time flys on Sunday nights.

Anyway

2010-03-06T13:20:00.004-06:00

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.

(Alleged version on Mother Theresa's wall)

The Paradoxical Commandments
by Dr. Kent M. Keith
People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.
If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.
If you are successful, you win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.
The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.
The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.
People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.
What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.
People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.
Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway.
- Kent M. Keith

Break Time

2010-03-05T12:45:00.001-06:00

6 March 2010

Life according to . . .

2010-03-05T12:40:00.000-06:00

Sesame Street moral of the day: sometimes the Princess has to figure out how to rescue herself. Especially true, it seems, if your princess friend is a penguin and your handsome prince says "Woa" a lot.

The word "exquisite" really is just that. I must find opportunities to use that word more.

Day three of learning to cook yummy eggs consisted of peanut butter sandwiches.

Wheel on the Bus

2010-03-05T12:36:00.001-06:00

4 March 2010

Oh! The Places You'll Go - Dr. Seuss

2010-03-04T11:40:00.000-06:00

Congratulations!

Today is your day.
You’re off to Great Places!
You’re off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.

You’ll look up and down streets. Look’em over with care. About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.” With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you’re too smart to go down a not-so-good street.

And you may not find any you’ll want to go down. In that case, of course, you’ll head straight out of town. It’s opener there in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen, don’t worry. Don’t stew. Just go right along. You’ll start happening too.

Oh! The Places You’ll Go!

You’ll be on your way up!
You’ll be seeing great sights!
You’ll join the high fliers who soar to high heights.

You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed. You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly, you’ll be best of the best. Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don’t.
Because, sometimes, you won’t.

I’m sorry to say so but, sadly, it’s true that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you.

You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You’ll be left in a Lurch.

You’ll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then, that you’ll be in a Slump.

And when you’re in a Slump, you’re not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked. A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin! Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And if you go in, should you turn left or right…or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite? Or go around back and sneak in from behind? Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find, for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused that you’ll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place…for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting.

No! That’s not for you!
Somehow you’ll escape all that waiting and staying. You’ll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing. With banner flip-flapping, once more you’ll ride high! Ready for anything under the sky. Ready because you’re that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you’ll go! There is fun to be done! There are points to be scored. There are games to be won. And the magical things you can do with that ball will make you the winning-est winner of all. Fame! You’ll be famous as famous can be, with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don’t. Because, sometimes, they won’t.

I’m afraid that some times you’ll play lonely games too. Games you can’t win ‘cause you’ll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not, Alone will be something you’ll be quite a lot.

And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.

But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. On and on you will hike. And I know you’ll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.

You’ll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You’ll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life’s a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.)

Kid, you’ll move mountains!
So…be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ale Van Allen O’Shea, you’re off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So…get on your way!

Dreaming

2010-03-03T13:23:00.001-06:00

Some of us don't get to live our dream lives. Instead we get to live dream moments scattered throughout our quite liveable lives.

Perhaps we just dreamed the bigger dreams.

2010-03-02T09:48:00.000-06:00

"And we should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once. And we should call every truth false which was not accompanied by at least one laugh". Friedrich Nietzsche

2010-02-28T16:09:00.000-06:00

burning sage

On My Messiness

2010-02-24T22:03:00.006-06:00

My house is a mess

because it is full of life and living

(perhaps I could do better

but I do many things well,

so maybe this thing is not worth as much as I try to believe it must be

when I look around my full, brimming, messy house).

Remember

2010-02-21T15:26:00.000-06:00

http://lauriemo.blogspot.com/2010/02/in-which-i-speak-of-unspeakable.html

http://www.tulipgirl.com/

The Painter

2010-02-15T09:46:00.005-06:00

My little one paints with the row of colors directly in front of her, and the paper, her artwork, to the side. Total delight in the paints, dipping, and stirring, and brushing. The outcome is secondary. Even the process is ignored in full delight in the octet of color. Her own work sits to the side. It's just the joyful "overflow". Eventually she Has To take a bit of that color, put it on her own paper and Look at it. Almost surprised by how it looks there, and then back to the colors. It is all about the colors, The Paint!

V-Musings (Which may be a copy written title)

2010-02-14T12:02:00.003-06:00

I have not written. When I break a habit, a plan more, I am most likely to let it go altogether, as if it has lost it's worth. And I can't do that because I must write. And I still haven't written my Purpose Of Writing. So it is much too early to give up. Not sure how to sustain this though, and seriously wondering if it will make any difference if I do. I compare myself, come up lacking and want to wash it all away so that I can pretend I am equal again. Equal by doing nothing.

It is Valentines day and V-day. And I am thinking about how amazed I am by the opportunity to raise a daughter. There is nothing about which I am more passionate. To raise her with dignity and an understanding of worth. To teach her that her femininity is a treasure, her vulnerability a prize - that none of this should be exploited or used as a weapon against her. To show her how to nurture her own soul without violation so that it can never be violated by anyone else. Raising a strong, wise woman who can and will change the world for men and women - - I sat and watched you eat your lunch today in the winter sun and wanted to tell you all this. But your world is still simpler than that, and this is time for showing, not telling. You dropped a noodle and commented that it was shaped like a star, and then corrected yourself. "A human shape, with a star head." Humanity and femininity. Happy V-day, little baby girl.

2010-02-11T18:26:00.000-06:00